Over the last two years, I have worked closely with the Parenting Apart Programme. I work as their Training Lead and part of their Programme Development Team as well as offering PAP to separating parents in West Yorkshire. The PAP is an organisation based in the Midlands who are attempting to challenge and change the way we support separating families. Their aim is to help separating parents escape from trapping and toxic patterns of conflict and find ways to work together, although apart, to put the needs of their children first. Whilst parental separation/divorce is considered an adverse childhood experience, correlating with poorer wellbeing (emotional, psychological and physical) in the long term (Felitti, et al, 1998), research teaches us that it is not the act of parental separation that causes lasting damage to children, rather it is parents inability to work together, to communicate and collaborate effectively and most importantly to avoid continually encountering each other in ways that produce high conflict (Mooney et al, 2009).

The issue is that when parents can’t work together, children have to pick up the slack and do the work in-between them. They are forced to traverse the landscape between warring parents and become an intermediary. This is not good for children and in its most extreme can equate to emotional/psychological abuse. Children are not developmentally equipped to manage the complex dynamics between conflicting parents and as such are vulnerable to internalising this situation as something that they are doing wrong, as evidence that they are not good enough, as an understanding that they are not loved or worthy of love. Within ‘child logic’ it is easy to conceive that if your parents really loved you, they would be able to stop arguing for a minute and work together, to communicate about you without sniping each other or to politely great each other as you transition from one home to the other. It is also possible for children to conclude that if their parents could stop loving each other (a pact that perhaps seemed unbreakable) then perhaps one day they could stop loving you also. These ‘revelations of a child with separating parents can become entrenched in a young person’s psychology should they keep having experiences that confirm this new reality.

The fact is that it is hard, very hard, going through a divorce. It is an emotional and conflictual time. It is even more difficult to separate from someone you had formed a romantic attachment with, whilst at the same time maintaining a relationship with them for the benefit of your child(ren). The relational backflips parents have to perform in such circumstances are astounding. It is no wonder that many struggle to work together post-separation and leave children to navigate the rift between two separate families. We are asking parents to find a new way of doing a relationship that may not feel natural or instinctual but is necessary to help protect the wellbeing of their children. This is the work of the Parenting Apart Programme. We put the needs of children front and centre to help overcome and dissolve harmful parental conflict. We work with separated parents together, to help them find new ways to parent apart and effectively. We help separated parents to communicate and act respectfully towards one another in ways that their children can and will notice, in ways that their children will recognise and internalise that “although my parents have separated, they will still work together to ensure that I am safe and looked after, because they both love me, even if they don’t love each other anymore”.

The Parenting Apart Programme is a 4-week intervention for separated/divorcing parents. It is offered as a cost-effective alternative to court-based divorce resolution, a system which is oversubscribed and sadly does quite the opposite of supporting parents to work together. Court by its very nature can make ex-partners into adversaries. This does not help parents make decisions together in the long run and therefore does not help support the long-term wellbeing of children. We work closely with the Judiciary and are supported by repeated calls for reform of the family court process (Family Solutions Group, 2020). It is essential that parents are provided with support which helps them find a way forwards, that does not take the decision-making process away from them, but rather, helps them develop the skills to make decisions together in the future.

When I was approached by the model’s founders, Claire Field and Kam Kaur, over 2 years ago, it didn’t take me long to decide to work with the Parenting Apart Programme. I truly believe in the work that we do and the need to provide bespoke and expert support to separating parents. I connect with their strong ethos around prioritising the wellbeing of children and value their relational approach to working with separated parents.

Follow the link below to see the testimonial I wrote for the programme last year hosted on Group Hug: https://www.thegrouphug.com/2021/04/15/pap/

Kaleidoscope is the only provider of the Parenting Apart Programme in Yorkshire and the North East of England. I am able to offer the programme online via Zoom or in person from our therapy rooms in Leeds.

If you or a loved one is affected by or going through divorce or separation and would like support please contact me through the Kaleidoscope website by clicking here. Further details of the Parenting Apart Programme can be found on their website.

References:

• Family Solutions Group, 2020. What about me?: Reframing Support for Families following Parental Separation. https://www.judiciary.uk/wp-content/uploads/2020/11/FamilySolutionsGroupReport_WhatAboutMe_12November2020-2.pdf-final-2.pdf [accessed 27/12/20]
• Felitti, V.J., Anda, R.F., Nordenberg, D., Williamson, D.F., Spitz, A.M., Edwards, V., Koss, M.P., Marks, J.S., 1998. Relationship of Childhood Abuse and Household Dysfunction to Many of the Leading Causes of Death in Adults. Am. J. Prev. Med. 14, 245–258. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0749-3797(98)00017-8
• Mooney, A., Great Britain, Department for Children, S. and F., 2009. Impact of family breakdown on children’s well-being: evidence review. Dept. for Children, Schools and Families, Annesley.